From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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