Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sober January is a disaster.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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