i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
