Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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