If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
