I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
