So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
