Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
