She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
