my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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