remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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