what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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