where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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