Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
