How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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