I wanna bring you to show and tell
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
