yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
