There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
