Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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