Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
