Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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