Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE