dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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