I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
A+ Viking dick
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