watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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