Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Randomize
