My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
