im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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