Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
