I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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