i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
