PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
