Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
