I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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