Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
