If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
