Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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