nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
