dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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