I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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