Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
