I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
