Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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