in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
