dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
