wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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