May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
