I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
