that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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