I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
