last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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