I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
