god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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