I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
