Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
