i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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