I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
