my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
