You made me cry and you don't even care
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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